Posts Tagged ‘spiritual humor’

You Can’t Take It With You

Thursday, April 2nd, 2009

You Can’t Take It With You

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel heard his plea and appeared to him.

“Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.”

The man begged the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continued to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappeared and informed the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathered his largest suitcase and filled it with pure gold bars and placed it beside his bed. Soon afterward, he died and showed up at the gates of heaven to greet St. Peter.

St. Peter, seeing the suitcase, said, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”

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Sure enough, St. Peter checked it out, came back and said, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”

St. Peter opened the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaimed, “You brought pavement?

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Lying in Heaven

Thursday, April 2nd, 2009

Lying in Heaven

Three men were waiting at Heaven’s Gate. St. Peter says, “OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe.”

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The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! Right at his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So, the first two guys are walking around with their women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, “How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these women?”

He nudges the babe and says, “Tell them.” She says to the first two guys, “I lied.”

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Learning Self Mastery.

.Chakra Balancing

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Upon arriving at the heavenly gates

Thursday, April 2nd, 2009

Upon arriving at the heavenly gates

Mr. Smith, upon arriving at the heavenly gates, was asked by St. Peter if he was sure he was in the right place as he, St. Peter, had no record of him in the “reservation” book. Mr. Smith told St. Peter that he was sure he was in the right place because he had done many good things in his life. St. Peter looked again and said, “I can’t find anything about you or any good works done by you”. St. Peter then asked Mr. Smith to relate at least one incident where he had done a good work so that St. Peter could decide whether or not to let Mr. Smith come into heaven.

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St. Peter was very much impressed with Mr. Smith’s story. He told Mr. Smith how very brave he was to have confronted the entire motorcycle gang in an effort to help the little old lady. “So, Mr. Smith, just when did this incident happen?”, St. Peter asked. “Oh, I believe it was about 10 minutes ago.”

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Garden of Eden

Thursday, April 2nd, 2009

Garden of Eden

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

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“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a ‘man’, Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will provide you with companionship and satisfy your desires. Yet, he’ll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he’ll also need your advice to think properly.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. “What’s the catch, Lord?”

“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. So, just remember: it’s our secret. Woman to Woman.”

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Doggie Funeral

Thursday, April 2nd, 2009

Doggie Funeral

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Father Patrick replied, “No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there’s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they’ll do something for the animal.”

Muldoon said “I’ll go right now. Do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?”

Father Patrick asked, “Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?”

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Differences

Thursday, April 2nd, 2009

Differences

The priest was instructing a class of third-graders at All Saints grammar school.

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“But the other brother studied hard and became a great, rich, knowledgeable lawyer.

“Now, children, what is the difference between these two brothers, who started out in the same place, who together embarked upon life’s stormy seas?”

Herman raised his hand and said, “Easy. One of them got caught.”

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Breaking the Silence

Thursday, April 2nd, 2009

Breaking the Silence

Brother John entered the ‘Monastery of Silence’ and the Abbott said, “Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you monastery, tantric qigong, 8 treasures, eight section brocade, ba duan jin, 8 pieces of silk, 8 twists of silk, 8 brocades, qigong, self mastery, qigong for self mastery, qigong for enlightenment, enlightenment, self actualization, self realization, spiritual awakening, kriyas, kriya yoga, kundalini, kundalini yoga, kundalini awakening, kundalini activation, kundalini rising, meditation, kundalini meditation, wu wei, t'ai chi, t'ai chi chuan, t'ai chi chuan yang style, long form, qigong meditation, Vipassana, Zen, inner tranquility, inner peace, bioenergetics, neo-reichian, Reich, orgone, qi, chi, ki, vitality, life force, chakras, tumo, dumo, dantien. tan tien, hara, bagua, Taoism, taoist, taoist tantra, tantra, tantra yoga, dakini, daka, goddess, tantrika, tantrik, stress, stress management, 10 minutes, 10 minute exercise, 10 minute stress, 1 minute stress management, 1 minute meditation,  60 second relaxation, personal growth, spiritual growth, yoga, Sifu, classes, instruction, workshops, seminars, Intention, Manifestation, The secret, Yoga Nidra, Higher Consciousness, The Law of Attraction, What the bleep, Buddha, Buddhism, Tantric Buddhism, Rockville, Gaithersburg, Aspen Hill, silver spring, Brookeville, sandy spring, Laytonsville, Potomac, Derwood, Montgomery County, Frederick, Germantown, Maryland, District of Columbia, Washington DC, guided meditation, visualization, Theta brainwave entrainment, guided relaxation, online programs, meditations CDs, meditation downloads, meditation mp3, ambient nature sounds, ocean surf, pheromones, self healing, qigong yoga, energy yoga, chakra yoga, chakra qigong, chakra chi kung, Chakra meditation, Howard County, Columbia, Frederick, Baltimore, Northern Virginia, Prince Georges County, Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Wyoming like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.”

Brother John lived in the monastery for a full year before the Abbott said to him:

“Brother John, you have been here a year now, you may speak two words.” Brother John said, “Hard Bed.”

“I’m sorry to hear that,” the Abbott said. “We will get you a better bed.”

The next year, Brother John was called by the Abbott. “You may say another two words Brother John.”

“Cold Food.” said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his third anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again called Brother John into his office. “Two words you may say today.”

“I quit.” said Brother John.

“It is probably best.” said the Abbott. “All you have done since you got here is complain.

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Priest’s parrots

Thursday, April 2nd, 2009

Priest’s parrots
parrots, tantric qigong, 8 treasures, eight section brocade, ba duan jin, 8 pieces of silk, 8 twists of silk, 8 brocades, qigong, self mastery, qigong for self mastery, qigong for enlightenment, enlightenment, self actualization, self realization, spiritual awakening, kriyas, kriya yoga, kundalini, kundalini yoga, kundalini awakening, kundalini activation, kundalini rising, meditation, kundalini meditation, wu wei, t'ai chi, t'ai chi chuan, t'ai chi chuan yang style, long form, qigong meditation, Vipassana, Zen, inner tranquility, inner peace, bioenergetics, neo-reichian, Reich, orgone, qi, chi, ki, vitality, life force, chakras, tumo, dumo, dantien. tan tien, hara, bagua, Taoism, taoist, taoist tantra, tantra, tantra yoga, dakini, daka, goddess, tantrika, tantrik, stress, stress management, 10 minutes, 10 minute exercise, 10 minute stress, 1 minute stress management, 1 minute meditation,  60 second relaxation, personal growth, spiritual growth, yoga, Sifu, classes, instruction, workshops, seminars, Intention, Manifestation, The secret, Yoga Nidra, Higher Consciousness, The Law of Attraction, What the bleep, Buddha, Buddhism, Tantric Buddhism, Rockville, Gaithersburg, Aspen Hill, silver spring, Brookeville, sandy spring, Laytonsville, Potomac, Derwood, Montgomery County, Frederick, Germantown, Maryland, District of Columbia, Washington DC, guided meditation, visualization, Theta brainwave entrainment, guided relaxation, online programs, meditations CDs, meditation downloads, meditation mp3, ambient nature sounds, ocean surf, pheromones, self healing, qigong yoga, energy yoga, chakra yoga, chakra qigong, chakra chi kung, Chakra meditation, Howard County, Columbia, Frederick, Baltimore, Northern Virginia, Prince Georges County, Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia, Wisconsin, Wyoming A lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but they only Know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” The priest inquired.

“They only Know how to say, ‘Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’

“That’s terrible!” The priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male parrots, who I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”

“Thank you!” The woman responded.

So priest’s two male parrots, are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female parrots and they say, “Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some the fun?”

One male parrot looks over, at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the Bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!”

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.Chakra Balancing

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At the Game

Thursday, April 2nd, 2009

At the Game

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In a very loud voice, the first guy said, “I think I’m going to move to Utah, there are only 100 Catholics living there…”

The second guy spoke up and said, “I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 Catholics living there …”

The third guy spoke up and said, “I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 Catholics living there …”

One of the nuns turned around, and looked at the men, and calmly said, “Why don’t you go to hell, there aren’t any Catholics there.”

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A Conversation Between God and Adam

Thursday, April 2nd, 2009

A Conversation Between God and Adam

It seems God noticed Adam was despondent. So the Lord God said, “Adam, come over here and sit down!”. And Adam did so.

“Adam,” spoke the Creator, “I see your countenance is fallen and you seem to feel rotten and lonely.”

Adam said nothing in response.

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Adam just looked puzzled but interested.

“This person,” said the Lord, “will take all the raw and tasteless food that you are currently ruining and will prepare wonderful, spicy, and tasty dishes.”

Adam looked grateful.

“This person,” said the Lord, “will be beautiful to behold and graceful and interesting to watch as she walks.”

Adam looked thoughtful.

“This person,” emphasized the Lord, “will be able to satisfy all those dreams that you currently are having!”

Adam really looked relieved.

“And, lastly,” said the Lord, “She will obey your every whim and desire and order with cheerfulness.”

Adam was really impressed and finally spoke.

“Okay, Lord, but what is this going to cost me?”

“An arm and a leg,” said the Almighty.

“Well,” Adam then said, “So what can I get for a rib?”

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Learning Self Mastery.

.Chakra Balancing

Learn Tantric Qigong™ for Self Mastery:

Instruction available in the Baltimore / Washington, DC area, contact us if you would like to bring a workshop to your area.